Consent : no means no.

After a nice dinner, your date looks at you grinning cheerfully. It’s the sign you’ve been waiting for. You take a few careful steps and lean in for a kiss but your date turns their head and moves back. No kiss and feeling a bit awkward, what’s happening?

Consent, it’s not always crystal clear for everyone and it can lead to some awkward situations. We want to make this as clear as it can be for you. Consent is an explicit agreement to actions or speech between all parties involved. It can be given through words, gestures, sounds and/or attitudes. There are parameters that can help you check whether your partner is as interested as you in those end of evening kisses.

I need it to be clear

Consent must be shown clearly and by all people implicated in the sexual activities. Of course, asking verbally for your partner or partners’ consent and getting a clear verbal answer is the most straightforward option. Someone staying completely silent or not doing anything to stop the activity is not necessarily consenting. It’s actually a myth to think that a person needs to be resistant or to express disapproval directly to express non-consent. Naturally, consent given by a third party is not valid in any way.

I need to be free to say no

Many situations render consent as invalid. If there’s use of force, threats or blackmail to receive consent, that consent is not genuine. Here are some other examples of situations rendering consent null and void:

• If the person is giving their consent because someone used their position, role or status to convince them.
• If someone lied and exposes another person to a risk of serious harm due to the sexual act.
• If the person is sleeping, unconscious, is significantly intoxicated from a psychoactive substance or in not of legal age to consent.

I need to consent for every step

Consent is specific and it’s tied to a specific act. We can consent to a kiss, but this does not mean that same consent is extended to all of the sexual activities. It needs to be asked/given for every sexual encounter, even if the partner or partners are the same. One night doesn’t mean all nights.

I need to want it

This parameter is tied to the positive aspect of all desired and consenting sexual relationships. Desire and pleasure should be expressed by all parties involved. It can be a smile, maintained visual contact, even encouragement to pursue, implying an appreciation for the preliminary actions. If a partner is seemingly not enjoying the moment, it’s preferable to stop and question them on how they feel.  

I need to be able to change my mind

We can, under all circumstances and at any moment, take back our consent. There’s no need for a “good reason“ to justify taking it back. All partners should respect and act accordingly to withdrawing consent without trying to convince, even if it’s a joke or a supplication (ex: “please, im almost done“ or “you can’t just leave me like this“).

Keep in mind

For your next date, keep these parameters in mind, they can guide you with your flirting. In  doubt, it’s ideal to ask a direct and clear question to get a direct and clear answer back. Knowing and understanding consent helps us make safer choices, respect boundaries and look out for each other.